LIES, DAMNED LIES AND BERNARD PARKS.
Former police chief and current city councilman BERNARD PARKS said in a radio interview that he doesn't believe the LAPD's latest crime stats. According to all official sources, violent crime is down citywide and homicides have leveled off or dropped dramatically in some parts of the city. Parks doesn't buy it. His bizarre rationale is that when a homicide occurs, it affects the whole community. So, according to him, even if homicides are down, a single homicide still impacts the neighborhood. No argument there. But hey BERNIE! Violent crime is still down! And not just in the city, but statewide. Property crimes are rising modestly, but that's probably as much a reflection of the huge spike in the California population.

This isn't the first time PARKS has had doubts about LAPD crime stats. If you remember back to the days when Parks was fighting to keep his job, the crime stats were UP. While Parks couldn't publicly argue against the stats, he had his pal NATE HOLDEN (whose council seat Parks now occupies) go in front of the cameras and defend Parks' record. I remember this clearly because it was one of the most logic defying moments in recent city history.

There were three strikes against Parks at the time. One was that LAPD recruiting had dropped lower than a FALUJAH spider hole. At the time, half the LAPD academy classes had been cancelled. Two, his approval rating among rank and file cops was in the single digits. And three, the crime rate was definitely heading north.

While Parks couldn't come out and dispute the numbers, NATE HOLDEN, the DOODLES WEAVER of the Council who was on his last term, came out in Parks' defense. Holden claimed that Parks was an effective leader. And the drop in recruitment wasn't Parks' fault. It was the result of a superheated economy that was sucking away qualified candidates into the private sector. And furthermore, the crime stats were being fabricated by white cops to make Parks look bad. And even more furthermore, Holden said if the crime rate was going up, it was because of a bad economy and there were no jobs.

The contradictions in Holden's arguments were as evident as an AMBER ALERT. In his Orwellian doublespeak world, the economy was simultaneously good and bad. And Parks was such an effective leader that he couldn't even keep his own staff from printing bogus crime stats.

Parks now has Holden's old council seat. And it looks like he also inherited Holden's Bizarro logic. Clearly Parks doesn't want Chief Bratton to succeed. A steady rise in crime and a few more flashlight incidents would probably work to Park's advantage. Not that he'd want to see more bodies in the street, but frankly a crime spike would add to his "I told you so" political capital.

Look for the Parks rhetoric to get even more loonie as his mayoral campaign starts heating up. We can't wait for Holden to come out of his life-support chamber and go on the stump for Parks. I need the material.

IF SNOOP DOGG CALLS, HANG UP.
On July 6, four parole officers working for the CDC were fired for moonlighting as armed guard for the THA DOGGFATHER. These four goofballs came to the CDC's attention when they were stopped by local LA cops after the cops observed SNOOP's caravan with heavily armed men aboard. The cops found lots and lots of guns and hundreds of rounds of ammo in the vehicles. The armed dudes turned out to be these four parole officers.

This isn't the first time SNOOP used coppers to watch his back. Last year, eight Inglewood Unified School District coppers were also fired for working security for Snoop.

You can't blame Snoop for this. All he did was wave the money. They're the ones who ran after it like MICHAEL MOORE on a pork chop. Ethics, men. Ethics. Society gave these guys a badge, a gun and the powers of arrest. They took an oath. And although it's probably not spelled out anywhere, part of the oath is that you don't go for the easy money when a guy who publicly admits that he flames up an ounce of chronic A DAY calls up and asks you to cover his ass. When you pull this crap, you forfeit all moral authority. And you make it that much harder for the good cops who don't chase the dirty bills.

There's no excuse for this. Thanks to the unlamented GRAY DAVIS, the CDC has one of the sweetest public employee deals in the state. Tons of overtime, full medical and a retirement plan that'll probably bust the state treasury one of these days. And even if they weren't well paid and looked after, getting down in the dirt with guys who they'd probably arrest if they didn't have a few million is still intolerable.

GANGSTERS IN LEAR JETS.
If you accept the definition of a gang as two or more indivduals who conspire to commit crimes for the benefit of a group, then KEN LAY, ANDY FASTOW and the rest of their crimies at ENRON qualify as gangsters. Yeah, I know, a posting about ENRON looks like it may be far afield from the main topic of INTHEHAT, but in reality, it's not. LAY and his scumbag homies probably robbed more money in a week than every gang in LA combined does in a year. While it made me feel good to see LAY cuffed up and doing the perp walk for the cameras, it would have made me feel even better if a couple of bluesuits cut loose on him with MAGLITE flashlights.

And did you notice all that polish and sophistication blow away the second LAY faced the cameras? He started squealing like a 12-year-old-girl at a Britney concert. FASTOW did it and LAY didn't know what was going on and he was just this innocent CEO who was betrayed by his homie. Sounds like any other neighborhood rata trying to lay off blame on somebody else. You can put them in suits and give them a gold pen instead of a GLOCK, but a criminal is still a criminal. MR. LAY, meet DIABLO your new cellmate. You'll be his bitch for the next fifteen years. And don't bother calling for the stafa because they're going to a union meeting.

LIBERAL GUN SAFETY.
I don't generally comment about national politics unles it has some connection to street crime. In a roundabout way, John Kerry holding a shotgun can be folded into the broader national discussion of guns, crime and politics. Click over to the DRUDGE REPORT or the AP news website and you'll see several images of John Kerry at a trap range in Minnesota. In one image, he's addressing the camera. The caption says he's commenting after missing a clay bird. (Surprised?) You'll notice, his finger is on the trigger. This is absolutely verboten. It violates rule number 3 of the four basic rules of gun safety. He is, after all, a combat vet and surely sometime during basic training some hard-assed gunny told him to, "KEEP YOUR GODDAMNED FINGER OFF THE TRIGGER UNTIL YOU'RE READY TO SHOOT, YOU PUSS-BALLED MAGGOT!" But I suppose Kerry doesn't have much call to handle guns. He's got a security detail. The rest of us proles have to muddle through life without Secret Service protection.